Deconstructing the Mundanity of my Existence.

How did I get here and is it a bad thing?

In a series of self-reflective moments, sparked by nothing more than the sheer unpredictability of my often restless brain, I revisited the quagmire of questions I’m often asked in new dating situations that mostly center on this one idea:

“What do you like to do?”

This question is, and always has been truly paralyzing for me (and apparently many others when I bring this up to them). Both because I have no answer and because the answer I have is not the best one. How do I explain that watching mindless television is often my preferred activity of choice or that most of what I like to do revolves around- well me!?

For instance, cooking in my underwear while listening to a playlist that emboldens me to hold long notes at the top of my lungs while secretly hoping my neighbors don’t bang on the walls is a key source of pure joy for me. This comes second to dancing barefoot in my living room without restriction while watching myself two-step and twerk in the mirror. Another love? Reinventing myself by trying on old clothes to be re-inspired by my closet or creating a new hairstyle and therefore designing a new version of myself because of it. Since I was a child, I have always been the center of my universe, and as an adult not much it seems has changed.

I really truly love myself and enjoy my company.

But I was not always like this.

This is not to say that I’ve lived all of my most joyful moments alone. Most of my favorite memories with friends come from the years where I was, like most, very impressionable, and hoping to be liked and loved. Looking back at my childhood I’ve come to realize that in my early friendship dynamics, I was often the “beta friend” -always down to tag along, but not necessarily known for planning or leading our adventures.

It may be hard to believe for those who know me today, but I was never a child who took charge or took things into my own hands. I, for the most part, did what was asked of me. It didn’t mean I always agreed with it, but I learned at an early age to hide my opinions and to just grin and bear it. I was like this with my parents, and, unless something could potentially get us into trouble, I was also like this with my friends. As a result, I attracted and have often gravitated toward stronger, more dominant personalities (needless to say, my parents were definitely of the loud, yelling drill-sergeant type. I’m conditioned for it).

I learned to do the things my friends wanted to do because it was easy, and because I was not the type to come up with ideas at keeping busy. Also, I found a lot of pride in the fact that my friends knew they could call me to do just about anything- it was a badge of honor for me. The thing about being a military kid is that you learn to adopt in all situations fairly fluidly-it becomes our superpower.

It wouldn’t be until later on in life that I’d come to realize just how many people have no desire to do things that may be outside of their comfort zones for the sake of others.

This brought me to my next realization.

The reason I never had an answer to that dreaded question of “what I liked to do” was because it all somehow got lost in the way I loved my friends.

What made me happy was ensuring that they were happy and by celebrating the things they liked to do. It became a kind of obligation that left little to no room for me to explore things I might like to do. More than anything, it showed me very quickly that what I might potentially be interested in trying out were not things that my friends were willing to try out with me. This resulted in me having many of the same experiences over and over again- experiences that I would not have selected for myself if I had really taken the time to think about it.

Moving around as an adult forced me to change some of this as often, I’d find myself in groups of expats who had been torn from their own friendship hierarchies and who, like me, were waiting for someone else to take the reigns. This set of circumstances inevitably taught me how to lead, and how to be the voice of a group that was seemingly not motivated enough to make decisions for themselves. But whenever the time came to be a Beta again I happily relinquished the role to whomever was willing to plan the day. The result is that I have learned to lead just as well as I follow in different friendship circles.

Creating a more exciting life

Now that I’ve been able to pinpoint the source of angst around this horrible question and reassure myself that I am not some drab boring hag, I was able to, for the first time plan one of the greatest years of my life so far- and I want to tell you about it. Click into the next story to learn more.