Dancing With The Fear of Popularity
An Tension Filled Journey of Accepting The Spotlight
I am not a shy person.
In fact, conversation and idea sharing are my love languages. If there is a stage or a microphone in a room, I can almost always guarantee that I’m thinking about how to get on it. If you were to meet me in real life you might accuse me of owner sharing. I love being the onion in new groups, friendships and relationships I find myself in. The act of revealing what may feel like a lot but is actually just the tip of my iceberg brings me joy. Discussions with people genuinely feel electric to me. Sometimes when I speak it can feel as if I’m radiating love, warmth and energy to the people around me.
Despite this fact, I am an inherently private person.
When I was in high school, there was a brief time when I wished to be popular. I wanted people to know me and to want me around. I even wrote about it in my diary freshman year and quietly begged the universe to grant my wish. Junior year I found myself in a scandalous love-affair with a well known senior and suddenly, not only did everyone seem to know my name, but it felt like everyone also knew what I was doing all the time. Whether or not it was true, it felt as if where I went and with whom was being tracked and monitored by everyone. This was not the first well-known person I had dated in my school, but it was the first time I experienced being a part of school gossip- an unexpected consequence of popularity that I had failed to consider.
This one event changed everything for me. I didn’t say it out loud but I quietly vowed to never aim for popularity again. In fact, I didn’t date anyone else in my school or in close proximity after that. From that point on, I only considered romantic prospects from other, far away schools with different student bodies. I also focused on students who were under the radar, and who demonstrated the ability to be discrete.
This mindset continued well into college and in my work life. When I hear stories about people meeting in the work place I am always stunned because the thought of my source of income becoming a place for tabloid fodder sparks a deep sense of unease in me. The saying “never shit where you eat” was 100% made for me.
After entering my career, the desire for popularity crept back into the picture, but in a different way.
Early in my career, I set ambitious goals for myself. I shared with my boss that I wanted to be well known in my industry and wanted to be a reputable thought leader that people knew the could go to for certain insights and information about our space. Overtime, I was able to build a profile for myself, especially thanks to LinkedIn.
And then came 2020- a year that for various reasons, pushed my name to the forefront. After founding a diversity initiative for the industry, I found myself on the receiving end of an overwhelming onslaught of calls, emails and requests. I was suddenly catapulted to a level of popularity in our space that I had not anticipated. In fact, to this day, random people tell me they’ve seen me in a talk, heard me on a podcast or have heard about me from someone else based solely on that first year.
To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. More than anything, I was terribly unhappy. To regain control, the first thing I did was shift back into my private bubble. I stopped being so available and even created automated systems and services that would remove me from the process of speaking to people. I did anything and everything I could to not be the spokesperson of my company because it was an exhausting experience for me.
Similar to the past, I chose to remove myself from the spotlight with calculated decisions around my actions. While that helped me regain a sense of balance, it also slowly but surely placed me back into obscurity which, as an entrepreneur, is not the best for my bottom line.
And then, a different side of me began craving the spotlight- again.
At some point in the past two years I decided that I really wanted to open the door of mystery around who I am when I’m not making painstakingly detailed thought leadership posts for my business. And so I set out to build a site (yes this site), and brand, and a visual reflection of who I saw myself being and who I wanted others to know. I built a theme around the idea of “untethered” because, for those who know me, this is the quintessential idea of who I am. But since doing that, nothing really moved forward. Why is this the case?
Fear. Specifically fear around my financial stability.
Remember that “never shit where you eat” phrase I mentioned at the top of this post? Well yeah- it’s that. I am terrified that revealing more of who I am in my industry, my personal side, could somehow negatively impact my business, my bottom line- my livelihood. I know,- it sounds crazy as I’m typing this considering how social media has single handedly made people more successful, but the fear of putting something out there that may render me as less ideal for potential work projects is real. It’s not that I have a fear of not being liked. I don’t really feel the need to be loved by everyone. But I do worry that a value or perspective I may share may turn a potential client away from me.
It’s why I’m even writing this here versus my more personal blog site on Medium. The irony is, I started this site to let my hair down a bit and yet here I am doing something that is not typical of my character- hiding behind “what ifs”.
This year, I really want to try and change that.
Recently, I published a thought piece on the rising singles economy. The follow-up, personal blog I wrote about it my inspiration for the piece (me) has gained a lot of traction. I’ve felt the pull of a less traditional life for some time now, but have been afraid of making it an outward part of my identity. In fact, Until just a few years ago it was something I dared to never utter out loud, but now I’m feeling more comfortable publicly embracing this part of me.
The fears are still there though. What if I actually get what I want- a way to feel more comfortable sharing online, a bigger following and opportunities because of that sharing? What’s going to stop me from being overwhelmed again? What will stop me from going back into hiding? And what about my content? What if I make a platform about not wanting the typical things in life and being “untethered” and end up with a life that reneges on some of those things? How do I walk that back or explain it? But the truth is, I don’t really owe an explanation to anyone do I?
So, here’s to living braver, and being successful in spite of the possibility of not being well liked.
Sidenote: At some point in the future, my actual picture will the image for these posts, but baby steps okay!?