The Race of Life
Running Forward To Prevent Falling Behind
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt as though I was missing out on something that I needed to be a part of. Starting around age 17, you could find me fully dressed and made-up all day, because I always assumed someone would call me with a last minute plan to go somewhere or to do something. I can’t tell you how many days and nights I sat around waiting for a call that never came, but it didn’t seem to deter me as I continued this pattern throughout much of my twenties.
The result of this daily disappointment was ridding myself of expectations of spontaneity by filling my days with adult chores and errands and choosing instead to find comfort in individualized routines. This afforded me a new kind of control over the joy in my life- one that was directed by me, for me. I had lost faith in the fairytale version of fun I was supposed to be experiencing and knew that I could no longer leave drivers of my joy in the hands of others.
Looking back, I realize that the motivations behind my choices come from a deep-seeded fear that life is in fact, very short. I’ve always been conscious of the notion that the amount of time we have on this earth is ultimately not up to us. The death of my mother, who died when I was just 23 years old accelerated this notion for me.
The idea that I may get to the end of my road, heavy with potential that was never fulfilled is my daily nightmare. For me, waiting feels like a lifetime nemesis and it brings about the heaviest kind of anxiety within me. I’ve always cloaked it under the veil of impatience, but in reality, the possibility of not being able to do or accomplish something because I’ve run out of time has always felt like an unrelenting monster, heavy on my back, counting down invisible minutes and waiting for me to leave this life unfulfilled.
What are the benefits and repercussions of such a mindset?
On one hand, I have definitely become known as a go-getter. I’m not one to deliberate about something I want to do- if I feel passionate enough about it, I get it done, no matter how difficult or absurd it may seem. My ability to do what I say I’m going to do brings me a great amount of pleasure and satisfaction as I’ve taken risks and happily sat through the discomfort of my choices because going for it was much better than not.
On the other hand, like a typical Pisces, it is very hard for me to live in the present as I’m often always thinking about the road ahead, or the next hurdle I need to jump to ensure I leave this world with no unchecked boxes on my list. This also means that I am the cause of my own anxiety, especially when things don’t always go as smoothly as I think they should which can sometimes slow down the process of getting things done on MY timeline.
Ha! That last sentence makes me laugh, because anyone with a lick of sense knows that setting up expectations and timelines is a futile exercise in this life because as much as we’d like to think that we are in control, we are not. We walk in steps that we believe are self-determined and self-made, but they were there all along, waiting for us to step in them, should we dare, in the first place. Life is divine. Anywho, I digress.
I wake up daily thinking of the things I need to do- things that I’ve told myself are necessary in order to o be successful, to move ahead, to find a partner, to lose weight, to secure the life I want to live… etc. When I fail to do those things I tend to use it as a point of punishment for myself, where I reference my inability to move faster as the reason for why certain things have yet to come to fruition. It can be, at some points, a toxic cycle, but it is the only cycle I know. And then I started reading Originals by Adam Grant.
In chapter four, “Fools Rush In: Timing Strategic Procrastination and the first-Mover Disadvantage” Grant reveals how, in many cases procrastination, or strategic delays can result in a more solid journey forward versus risk takers who may have the confidence to get things done, but may not succeed in the long run due to unforeseen factors.
My relationship with life has shaped me into an inherent risk taker which means that I don’t always do the detailed analysis that others may do to determine if something will work. I tend to jump into the deep end with the knowledge that there is no plan b- I am going to have to swim if I want to survive and, because it is the only option I have, I do. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become slower to move, which has created an almost crippling angst I’ve never experienced. It’s not because I don’t know what to do, but because of something I hadn’t had to face before: uncertainty. Eventually, the burden of the task and the weight of my disappointment with myself becomes too much to bear. The result? Decision paralysis, avoidance, dismissal and procrastination.
Grant speaks of how, with age and experience, risk taking measures shift and change based on the safety we feel we need to survive. I can say that for me, while my first inclination is always to move forward and “press go” the quiet whispers of experience (and likely exhaustion from past endeavors) have begun to cause me to rethink my motivations and potentially blind ambitions. Thankfully, Grant’s perspective on strategic procrastination has provided a new way to look at the goals and tasks I’ve self-assigned. Instead of chastising myself for not being as quick to move as I have been in the past, I can position delays as opportunities to improve my ambitions so that the hills I climb in the future are not as high and tumultuous as they have been in the past.
I don’t know that I’ll ever truly stop being a risk taker, especially as the task itself is highly subjective and based on societal expectations of others. Often, when I have taken risks, they simply feel like actions that must take place-things that must be done. It’s not until I speak with others or look back that I realize I was taking a chance. But what can potentially change moving forward is my ability to give myself the grace and a softer landing - something I had never considered previously. Life is hard and meant to be lived easier as we age. I will likely always feel as if my time in this beautiful life I’m living is running out, but I can also learn to be kind to myself, and to allow some of the things I pursue to marinate and evolve before inevitably choosing to go for it.
I hope you can allow yourself the same amount of grace as I will be learning to allow for myself.